What Real Progress Looks Like (Hint: It’s Smaller Than You Think)

You might be expecting a success story that ends with a perfectly regulated child thanking you for the breathing chart and calmly walking away from an argument. 

That’s not this story.

This story is quieter. More ordinary. And way more powerful.

Meet Jonah (name changed, story shared with permission)

Jonah is ten. He has ADHD, some sensory sensitivities, and a deep love of graphic novels. He also used to throw chairs when he was frustrated. Literally. In school. At home. Anywhere.

His parents were exhausted. His teachers were overwhelmed. And Jonah? Jonah just felt broken.

What changed?

Not a miracle. Not a new diagnosis. Not a secret parenting method.

Instead, we started focusing on emotional regulation as a skill—something that could be taught, practiced, and scaffolded over time.

Here’s what helped Jonah:

• Visual breathing supports taped to his desk

• A “cool-down cave” in his room where he could go without being sent there

• Naming his emotions using scripts, zones, colors, or characters

• Adults using co-regulation—soft voices, predictable responses, and calm presence

After six weeks, he didn’t stop getting frustrated. But he did stop throwing chairs. Instead, one day, he walked over to his cool-down space, muttered “Red Zone,” and curled up with a weighted blanket.

That’s regulation.

Try this at home

Dr. Stuart Shanker’s beautiful self-regulation framework teaches that helping kids regulate requires five steps: recognizing stressors, reducing stress, reflecting, responding, and restoring energy. Most interventions focus only on behavior—but Jonah’s team looked deeper.

We stopped asking “How do we stop this behavior?” and started asking, “What’s underneath it?”

That question changed everything.

Why this matters

So often, parents come to me saying, “He knows better—why doesn’t he just do it?” But knowing and doing are two different systems. Emotional regulation requires access to the prefrontal cortex—and when a child is dysregulated, that part of the brain is literally offline.

Helping kids return to calm isn’t about discipline. It’s about nervous system literacy. About connection. About practice.

Progress measured in pivots

If you’re waiting for your child to never explode again, you might miss the moment they pause instead of punch. Or name the feeling instead of acting on it.

Try this at home

Keep a tiny “victory journal.” At the end of each week, write down one thing your child did that showed growth. Not perfection. Just growth. “Didn’t slam the door.” “Asked for space.” “Stayed at the table for 5 minutes longer.”

That’s progress. That’s regulation. That’s the work. Sometimes the hardest thing is noticing the small wins in the middle of the mess.