Co-Regulation—Why Your Calm Helps Your Child’s Brain Grow

Let’s be honest. You probably didn’t wake up today thinking, I can’t wait to help my dysregulated child through a 45-minute meltdown! But here you are. Breathing deeply while your child yells about the wrong color plate.

It’s not your imagination—your calm (or lack thereof) really does affect your child. Not just emotionally, but neurologically. And that’s where co-regulation comes in.

What is co-regulation?

Co-regulation is the process by which one nervous system helps another calm down. It’s the relational foundation kids need before they can self-regulate.

As Dr. Mona Delahooke puts it: “Self-regulation emerges through co-regulation. It’s not something we can teach in the moment of distress—but it is something we can model and support over time.”

In other words, your calm presence during your child’s storm is what eventually teaches them how to weather it.

The science of regulation

When your child is dysregulated, they’re not just being dramatic—they’re in a state of nervous system distress. Their amygdala (the brain’s alarm system) is firing, and their prefrontal cortex (home of executive functioning) has gone offline.

That means they literally can’t access reasoning, problem-solving, or reflection until they feel safe and supported.

Co-regulation is the bridge that helps them get back there.

What co-regulation looks like

You drop to their eye level and soften your voice

• You name the feeling instead of trying to fix it (“You’re frustrated. I’m right here.”)

• You wait, breathe, and let the storm pass with them—not around them

As Janet Lansbury often says, “We’re not trying to end the crying—we’re trying to show them they’re not alone in it.”

This doesn’t mean letting your child hit, scream at, or harm others unchecked. Boundaries still matter. But so does how we hold those boundaries.

But what if I lose it?

You will. We all do. The good news? Repair is just as powerful. If you snap, circle back later and say, “Hey, I got overwhelmed too. I’m sorry. Let’s try again.”

That’s modeling co-regulation in real life. And it teaches kids that even grown-ups have to work at it sometimes.

Try this at home

Create a family “pause button.” It might be a gesture, a phrase (“Let’s reset”), or a literal object (like a soft stone or card). Use it when you feel tension rising—not to shut things down, but to reset together.

Remember: regulation isn’t about being perfectly calm. It’s about returning to calm—together.