Back to School Basics—Why Curiosity Beats Control

Let’s get real. When your child rolls their eyes, refuses to do homework, or melts down over the something we perceive as inconsequential, it’s tempting to clamp down with control. More rules. More consequences.

More lectures.

But here’s the problem: control often makes the storm bigger. What actually helps? Curiosity.

Why curiosity matters more than control

I believe behavior is communication. Instead of asking, “How do I stop this?” we ask, “What’s my child’s brain and body telling me right now?”

Mona Delahooke reminds us in Brain-Body Parenting, “Challenging behaviors are the tip of the iceberg. The nervous system beneath the surface drives what we see.”

Curiosity opens the door to:

• Seeing stress, not just “bad behavior.”

• Responding with empathy instead of punishment.

• Supporting growth instead of enforcing compliance.

When we get curious, we shift from control to connection.

The neuroscience behind curiosity

From a brain perspective, curiosity is regulation.

• The amygdala (the brain’s alarm system) quiets when kids feel seen.

• The prefrontal cortex (home of executive functioning) comes back online when kids feel safe.

• Dopamine (the motivation chemical) spikes when kids feel engaged and understood.

My favorite Minneapolis-based anxiety expert, Dr. Kathryn Hecht, emphasizes that resilience comes not from erasing stress but from learning how to work with it. Curiosity helps kids practice resilience in real time.

What curiosity looks like in practice

Curiosity doesn’t mean permissiveness. Boundaries matter. But instead of rigid control, offer responsive boundaries.

Instead of: “Stop whining. You know better.” 

Try: “I hear that homework feels big. What part feels hardest right now?”

Instead of: “You’re being disrespectful. Go to your room.” 

Try: “I can’t let you yell at me, but I want to know what’s underneath that frustration.”

Instead of: “Why can’t you ever just listen?” 

Try: “Looks like your brain is stuck. Do you want a break or a buddy to help get started?”

This is curiosity paired with boundaries—firm and kind.

How this connects to growth mindset

When we respond with curiosity, kids learn that mistakes and meltdowns aren’t failures—they’re chances to grow. Carol Dweck’s amazing research shows that a growth mindset thrives in environments where effort and learning matter more than perfection.

Curiosity says: “You’re still learning. And I’m here to help.”

Try this at home

The next time your child’s behavior feels like a battle, pause and ask yourself one question:

“What might be going on beneath the surface?”

Even if you don’t have the answer, asking the question shifts you from control to curiosity. And that shift might just help your child shift, too.