Seeing the Good—A Strength-Based Approach to Executive Functioning

Take a breath. If you’re parenting a child with executive functioning challenges, you’ve probably spent a lot of time hearing and focusing on what’s “wrong.”

They’re forgetful. Disorganized. Emotional. Oppositional. Sound familiar?

Let’s flip that script.

What is a strengths-based approach?

A strength-based approach means we start with what’s working. Instead of focusing solely on deficits or dysfunction, we look for skills, values, and potential—even (and especially) when it’s hidden under challenging behavior.

Dr. Mona Delahooke, author of Brain-Body Parenting, reminds us that behavior is communication—not character. When a child struggles with transitions or melts down over math homework, it’s not a “bad kid moment.” It’s a moment of nervous system overwhelm.

Executive functioning ≠ character.

Executive functioning delays aren’t moral failings. They’re developmental lags in specific brain systems. As Dr. Peg Dawson (co-author of Smart but Scattered) explains, these skills grow slowly—and unevenly—and they can be explicitly taught and supported.

Your child might:

• Struggle to remember what to bring to school…

• But build entire worlds out of LEGO or Minecraft

• Have a hard time with bedtime routines…

• But deeply care about fairness and connection

Those strengths matter. Let’s not lose sight of them.

But what if they are always melting down?

Children who are dysregulated are not “bad”—they’re under-supported in that moment. Janet Lansbury, whose work centers on respectful parenting, often reminds us to look beneath the behavior and respond to the need, not the noise.

And as Glennon Doyle so wisely says, “We can do hard things.” That includes sitting with our kids through their hardest moments—without fixing or judging—just witnessing with love.

Reframing the story

Instead of “He’s so oppositional,”

try: “He’s working really hard to feel safe and in control.”

Instead of “She’s so disorganized,”

try: “She’s still learning how to manage her materials—and her brain is busy growing.”

The way we narrate our kids’ behavior shapes how they see themselves. Choose words that leave room for growth.

Try this at home

Tonight at dinner (or in the car, or during bedtime), name one strength you noticed in your child that day—not about performance, but about who they are. Then ask if they noticed any strengths in themselves.

Spoiler: you’re growing your child’s self-awareness and their executive functioning in that moment.