Before Social Skills: Why Feeling Safe Comes First

Emotional literacy is often seen as a skill that children develop by learning to name their feelings. Schools widely use the Zones of Regulation to help kids identify whether they are calm, anxious, angry, or sad by placing these emotions into color-coded zones. This approach gives children a shared vocabulary to talk about their emotions. Yet, this method assumes children can recognize and label their feelings as a first step. Research by Dr. Deb Dana and Dr. Dan Siegel, and more recently by Dr. Deb Delahooke, shows that naming emotions is actually one of the last steps in a much deeper process that starts inside the body.

Before a child can say, "I am in the red zone," their nervous system has already done a lot of work. It detects safety or threat, creates physical sensations, and activates protective responses. If we ask children to name their feelings before they can feel and understand them in their bodies, we risk leaving many kids behind. This post explores why emotional literacy begins with feeling, not naming, and how parents and educators can support this foundational step.

Why Naming Emotions Isn’t the First Step

The Zones of Regulation is a cognitive framework. It asks children to identify which zone they are in and then use strategies to move to a more regulated state. This works well for children who already have a basic sense of their internal states. But many children, especially those with sensory processing challenges, trauma histories, or developmental delays, do not have this foundation.

Dr. Delahooke’s work highlights the importance of neuroception—the nervous system’s automatic detection of safety or danger—and interoception, the ability to sense internal body signals like a racing heart or tight chest. These processes happen before a child can consciously name their feelings. If a child’s nervous system is overwhelmed or dysregulated, they may not even register what they are feeling in their body. Asking them to name their zone or emotion skips a crucial step.

For example, a child who feels anxious might experience a tight chest or stomach ache but cannot yet connect these sensations to the word "anxiety." If we only teach them to say "I am in the yellow zone," they might feel frustrated or misunderstood because they don’t have the internal awareness to match the label.

The Expectation Gap and Its Impact on Children

Delahooke describes an expectation gap where adults expect children to have intentional control over their emotions and behaviors earlier than their nervous systems allow. This gap leads to misunderstandings and frustration for both children and adults.

Teachers might expect a child to calm down by using a strategy from the Zones of Regulation chart, but if the child’s nervous system is still in a protective state, these strategies may feel impossible to use. Parents might expect a child to talk about their feelings, but the child might only be able to express distress through behavior because they cannot yet feel or name the emotion.

Understanding this gap helps adults adjust their expectations and support children in developing emotional literacy at their own pace.

How Feeling Comes Before Naming

Emotional literacy is not just about vocabulary; it is a body-based developmental process. The nervous system’s pathways described by Delahooke—green (safe and social), red (threat and protection), and blue (shutdown and freeze)—go deeper than the Zones of Regulation colors. These pathways are rooted in polyvagal theory, which explains how the nervous system responds to safety and danger cues.

Children first need to develop interoception, the ability to notice and interpret internal body signals. This might look like:

• Recognizing a fast heartbeat or sweaty palms before feeling scared

• Noticing muscle tightness before feeling angry

• Feeling heavy limbs or low energy before feeling sad or shut down

  
  

Supporting interoception can involve simple practices like:

• Mindful breathing exercises

• Body scans where children notice sensations in different parts of their body

• Movement activities that help children connect with their physical state

  
  

Once children can feel these internal signals, they can begin to link them to words and emotions. This connection builds true emotional literacy.

Practical Tips for Parents and Educators

Supporting children in feeling before naming requires patience and intentional strategies. Here are some practical ideas:

• Use sensory activities to help children tune into their bodies. This can include weighted blankets, fidget tools, or calming music.

• Model interoception by naming your own body sensations and feelings out loud. For example, "I feel my shoulders are tight; I think I am a bit stressed."

• Create safe spaces where children can pause and notice their body without pressure to talk or act immediately.

• Encourage movement breaks to help children regulate their nervous system before asking them to reflect on feelings.

• Validate physical sensations even if the child cannot name the emotion. Saying, "I see your hands are shaking; that means your body is working hard," helps children feel understood.

  
  

These steps build the foundation for children to eventually use the Zones of Regulation vocabulary effectively.

Moving Forward with Emotional Literacy

Emotional literacy begins with the body. Before children can name their feelings or identify their zone, they need to feel what is happening inside them. This understanding shifts how adults support children’s emotional growth. Instead of rushing to label emotions, we can focus on helping children develop interoception and nervous system regulation.

By closing the expectation gap and honoring the body’s role in emotional awareness, parents and educators create a stronger foundation for children’s emotional health. This approach leads to more effective use of tools like the Zones of Regulation and deeper emotional understanding.