How We Talk to Kids About What They Feel: Language That Opens Doors

Children’s feelings can be overwhelming for both kids and adults. When a child expresses sadness, anger, or fear, the natural response might be to fix the problem quickly or tell them to stop feeling that way. But this approach often shuts down communication and leaves children feeling misunderstood. The words we choose when talking about emotions shape how children learn to understand and manage their inner world. This post explores how respectful, acknowledging language helps children build emotional awareness and confidence.

Why Acknowledging Feelings Matters

When adults dismiss or minimize a child’s feelings, children may learn to hide their emotions or believe their feelings are wrong. Instead, recognizing and naming feelings helps children feel heard and valued. Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, authors of How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk, emphasize that acknowledging feelings opens the door to emotional growth. It teaches children that emotions are normal and manageable.

Janet Lansbury’s respectful communication approach builds on this by trusting children to understand their own experiences. Rather than rushing to fix or distract, Lansbury encourages grown ups to listen and respond with empathy. This approach helps children develop emotional vocabulary and self-awareness.

Language That Opens Doors

Changing how we talk about feelings can make a big difference. Here are some practical language shifts that support emotional growth:

• Instead of saying: “Don’t be sad,”

Try: “I see you’re feeling sad. Do you want to tell me about it?”

• Instead of: “There’s nothing to be afraid of,”

Try: “It sounds like you’re scared. That’s okay. I’m here with you.”

• Instead of: “Stop crying,”

Try: “It’s okay to cry. I’m here to listen.”

These responses acknowledge the child’s feelings without judgment or dismissal. They invite children to explore their emotions and feel safe sharing them.

Building Emotional Vocabulary

Children often struggle to name what they feel. Using simple, clear words helps them build a vocabulary for emotions.

We can:

• Label feelings as they happen: “You look frustrated because the puzzle is hard.”

• Use stories or books to talk about characters’ emotions.

• Encourage children to describe their feelings with words like happy, sad, angry, scared, or excited.

  
  

This practice helps children recognize and name emotions, which is the first step toward managing them.

Practical Examples for Everyday Situations

Here are some real-life examples of how to use respectful language with children:

• When a child is upset about sharing toys:

“It’s hard to share when you want to keep your toy. I understand you’re feeling upset.”

• When a child is nervous about a new experience:

“Trying something new can feel scary. I’m proud of you for being brave.”

• When a child is angry after a disagreement:

“You’re angry right now. Let’s find a way to calm down together.”

These responses show empathy and help children feel supported rather than corrected.

Encouraging Emotional Independence

As children grow, the goal is for them to manage their feelings independently. Using respectful language teaches them to:

• Recognize their emotions early

• Understand that feelings are temporary and manageable

• Express feelings in words instead of actions

• Seek help when needed without fear of judgment

  
  

This foundation builds emotional intelligence, which supports healthy relationships and mental well-being throughout life.